Sorry, but you're not good enough

Anybody who has played sports at any point in their life has either heard those words directly or implicitly from a coach or an evaluator before. Regardless of the competition level or age, we have all at one time been informed that we were not good enough to make a team or play the position we had hoped for. For most of us, those words come to us in high school or shortly after; however, some don't hear those words until after college or even later in life than that. Yet, as youth sports become more and more competitive and prevalent in today's society, when is the right time for a kid to hear those words?

I have two sons, 14 and 12, and when I asked them what they want to do when they grow the first thing they say is play baseball professionally. I know that is not realistic, but I don't say anything to discourage them. Truthfully, I just hope they make their high school team and can play a significant role one day. But lately I've noticed a bit of a difference in the answers I get to that question from my boys. My 12 year old son still has the wide eyes and big dreams, but my older boy now phrases his answer along the lines of, "Well if I can't play baseball, then I want to go to this school for sports management."

Only two years apart with full parental support, yet my older son is already starting to see that he probably won't be good enough to live out his dream. How did this happen? Well, it happened like it should, like it happened to most of us, like I believe it should happen to most kids. My 14 year old son loves basketball, but was not blessed with a basketball body. He is a good basketball player that went to a middle school that always has one of the top teams in our area. For two years he tried out and was the last kid cut from the team. To his credit, he never complained and always said he was fine because he knew he did the best that he could. However, he learned an important lesson. He began to learn that some kids are better at different things, and that in life and in athletics you get what you earn and that every person has limitations. On the baseball field he has learned that if he wants to keep playing the game at a higher level that strength, conditioning, and work ethic are just as important as talent. As a father I didn't have to say much for him to understand that as you get older in athletics things are not handed to you. Playing time isn't equal anymore; in fact, playing time is guaranteed anymore.

As a father I am extremely impressed and grateful for my oldest son's mindset and work ethic. While most of that has come from his own personality and drive, I do believe that his mother and I have done a lot to shape that as well. You see, when he was younger and had to sit the bench because he wasn't producing, we didn't go the coach and question him. Instead, we went to our son and questioned him. Why do you think you're not playing? What are the people who are hitting ahead of you doing that you're not? What are the people that are playing your position doing that you're not? While it can be difficult for a younger kid to see or answer some of those questions, most kids will slowly arrive in the area of reality. As a parent it can be difficult to tell your son or daughter that Player X is just more talented than they are, but that doesn't mean they should ever out work you. If your son or daughter wants to play and be successful at a sport they need to understand that talent is a big factor, but so is work ethic. All you're doing by approaching a coach regarding playing time at a young age is showing your son or daughter that life's problems can be solved by complaining instead of working.

As a parent it is extremely difficult to be objective when looking at things because we always want what our kid wants, and we want them to be happy and successful while doing it. Often times as parents we are committing lots of time and dollars for our kids to play travel or club sports. We're lead to believe that if we don't do this then they're falling behind, won't develop, or will be blown away by the competition level when they get to high school. While I agree with a number of those things, I think it also creates a more high pressure environment on these kids than most of us experienced growing up. The games seem to mean a lot more. Parents are more excitable and involved with telling their kids what to do nowadays. Coaches are pressured more to play the best kids. Coaches are out recruiting the next crop of kids at younger ages than ever. What is the purpose of paying all this money if we're not going out there and winning? Yet some parents are left asking, what is the purpose of paying all this money if my kid is not out their playing? Both very valid questions that likely exist on every team.

When I was teaching and coaching basketball, tryout days were the absolute worst days of my life. I would literally dread them more than anything. There is nothing worse than looking a kid in the eye and telling them they are not on the team, and then having to spend an hour with them every day for the rest of the year. You try to explain to them that it is not personal, but in the eyes of a kid it is. Every year when tryouts would end I would give the same basic speech to the kids. I would tell them that I appreciated their hard work and effort, and that if they were not on the team it was not personal. If they want to come talk to me about it and ask what they needed to work on I would be happy to do that, but the biggest reason they were not on the team is because they simply were not good enough. If they could take hearing those words then we could have a productive conversation. Same thing went for the parents. I would loathe coming to school the next day or two after tryouts because there would always be a message or two waiting from a parent wanting to discuss why their son was not on the team. Again, I would always start off by saying that they simply were not good enough. If we could move past that then we could talk about the skills they would need to work on and develop to have a better chance in the future.

While these conversations were always difficult and usually unpleasant, I would always wonder the same thing while on the phone or shortly after. Didn't these parents know their child wasn't as good as others in their class? They have played together for years now, how could you not see that? Growing up in the equal opportunity society I believe causes a lot more of those issues. I am all for kids getting an opportunity to play, and I think every kid should play in some way in every game they participate in before middle school, but equal playing time does not set these kids up for the skills they need to be successful in life.

So when is the right time and right way to tell or show kids that they are not good enough? I wish I knew. I don't think their is a right time or right way. Most of us weren't ready to here those words when we were cut or not offered an opportunity to continue our playing careers at the next level. We always believed we were better than a couple players who were on the team or got scholarships. We convinced ourselves that they played the political game better than we did or that their mom and dad knew the right people. Yet, as we get older we can look back and see that we just weren't good enough.

Coaching youth travel baseball has been a very interesting learning experience for me. As a basketball coach kids would always come to me during a middle school or high school season and ask what I thought they needed to do to get more playing time. As a head coach I had to be direct and tell them that they needed to work on this and that, but the reality was that they weren't going to pass certain players. As an assistant you take a much more positive approach and tell them ways to compete in practice or maximize the minutes they get in the games. Just focus on this one area, and you can play yourself into a larger role. Difficult conversations, but these kids often times already knew that they weren't as good as other players or had the maturity to accept the answers given. The next thing they needed to figure out was if they wanted to continue putting in the hard work or hand in their jersey.

Coaching young kids, they all still believe and want to be professional players. As a coach you don't want to take away that innocence or that dream, but you have to balance and do what is best for the team. However, you have to find the place and role where that kid can find the most success. Frequently the kid and the parents may not agree with that role, but hopefully as a coach you are constantly evaluating and giving kids the opportunity to play themselves into bigger roles.

One thing I try to tell my kids is that everything on my team is earned. I hope that every kid goes out there and gets a hit. However, I also tell them that every team, including all star teams, has a player who hits first and a player who hits last. There are many factors that come into play, but I always try to tweak my lineup according to kids' performance. I want kids to learn that they can earn a bigger role, but I also want them to see that if they are struggling that things are not always just handed to them. Same thing with defensive positions or pitching. I try to give all of my kids the opportunity to play different positions and the opportunity to pitch, but as we get older it becomes more difficult to balance opportunity versus what is best for the team. I hope that kids begin to understand that they are not playing certain positions because other kids work harder or have a better skill or mind-set for that position. Even as you get older not all kids can play the outfield. Speed, mobility, and arm-strength are important factors as the ball is often hit into the outfield. You want to give every kid the opportunity, but you don't want to discourage or deny the ones who have the talent either.

As kids enter their middle school years the self-awareness level increases dramatically. They start to notice differences in their bodies, looks, and clothing. Suddenly what didn't matter yesterday is now a huge issue. The same thing starts to happen on the athletic fields. Kids experience getting cut for the first time or making a team and playing very little. Some kids just choose not to play certain sports anymore because they know they're not one of the 7 or 8 best basketball players in their class, or they're tired of not playing much or hitting at the bottom of the order in baseball. Some kids may have already experienced being cut before middle school if they're playing a travel or club sport at a high level. While those can be painful moments, they are also defining moments too. Those moments often times reveal a lot about the character of your kid and how you choose to raise them.

I don't know the right time to tell kids they're not good enough. I don't think it should be before middle school. Kids bodies change so much even before they hit puberty. Some kids can make huge leaps from year to year mentally and emotionally at young ages. Some kids that were good ballplayers with poor technique begin to falter, and others who have had good work habits, technique, and drive start to pass them. The mental side of the game becomes more important as kids get older also. Some kids who might have struggled at a younger age, but really understand the game will also begin to push past those who don't get the finer points, so you can't be too quick to cut kids at young ages.

I have had a number of kids throughout the years who were outstanding middle school basketball players, but I knew in the long run they were not going to be very good at the varsity level. Despite asking them and telling them to work on different aspects of the game, they were content being able to get away with athleticism and raw talent. Those things even out greatly on the basketball court as the kids get older. Likewise in baseball, kids who understand the finer points about baserunning and situational hitting will slowly start to experience more success as they get older.

I have never been a proponent for cutting kids in any sport before middle school. I have not and would not want to coach youth sports at that level. However, through my own kids I have learned that during the middle school years kids start to see and learn that they are not good enough or as good as others. How we as coaches and parents nurture those thoughts is critical to the development of those kids over the course of their life. It is important for kids to understand that hard work is the key to anything, but it may not always be enough. Eventually there will be somebody that is better than you. That reality may hit you in the face at 12 or 22, but it is reality for all of us beyond the world of sports. As a coach I will continue to try and develop every kid on my team, but as they get older it is important for them and all other kids in sports to understand that decisions are not personal, they're based on ability and performance.

I hope my 12 year old son continues to tell people he wants to be a professional baseball player when he grows up. I remember saying the same thing at that age. Dreams are what drive and inspire us, and we can all remember the person or coach who took them away from us. Sadly, I know that in the next few years his answer will change or vary, as he starts to see the writing more clearly on the wall. I only hope he encounters those challenges that await with the attitude and work ethic that has been instilled in our older boy. Unfortunately for both my boys their playing days will come to an end within the next decade, but not because some coach is a major asshole, it will just be because he was not good enough.