Stop with the Pampering and Deal with your Insecurities!

As a parent we all want our kids to be successful with whatever they do in life. We hate to see them upset and struggle with anything. Seeing your kid in pain or tears because of frustration is about the most helpless and awful feeling we can have as a parent. Yet, it's ok to feel that way and for your kids to experience those emotions too. Unless it is a life-threatening situation, we learn about ourselves and how to handle stressful situations by being thrown in the fire and walking out the other side on our own. That is why as a youth coach, the two things that drive me the most crazy during games are the insecure and/or pampering parents.

Let's be honest, every time we go watch our kids play we want them to do well. Sure we're wearing the team colors and rooting for everyone, but deep down we're cheering the hardest for our kid. They might be upset if the team loses, but as a parent if your kid gets a couple of hits or leads the team in scoring you're not devastated. You hold your head high and want people to take notice of your kid's accomplishments. You get a little rush when other parents come up to your kid and compliment them on something they did, because deep down they're complimenting you as a parent as well.

On the flip side, we hate to see our kids fail because that plays into our own insecurities and ego as well. Is my kid the weakest link? Why can't my kid be more like Player X? What is Player Y doing that my kid isn't? Somehow our kid's athletic ability and performance is tied into a lot of adult's own feelings of self-worth. If our kid does great then we swell with pride, but if they struggle then we want to shrink into a hole with them. Somehow we feel as if we have failed as a parent and need to push our kid even harder. How dare you embarrass me with your poor performance? We know as a parent that we have taught them better than that, and yet they go out there and don't perform. Some people feel as if their kid's performance is a reflection of their own athletic ability. As a coach, your paranoia raises even more, because you feel like your son is always under the magnifying glass. You feel like your son or daughter has to perform at a high level, because if they're not that good then how are you qualified to coach other people's kids? As a coach you wonder if your own kid is taking the roster spot or playing time of somebody else more deserving, and you wonder if other people are saying the same thing. But no matter how hard it might be, as parents and coaches we have to fight through our own insecurities to do what is best for our kids in the long run.

Most youth coaches have to deal with parents coaching from the stands all the time. Whether it's something they should be doing at the plate or positioning in the field, we all have those parents who are giving advice to their kids from the stands. We know they mean well, but I'm pretty sure their kid would just wish they'd leave them alone and let them play the game. However, the parent is barking these instructions for a couple of reasons. Sometimes it is because they think you as a coach don't know any better or how to coach their son. That is a big problem and those kids usually don't stay on those teams very long. The bigger reason is because that parent wants everybody else to see and hear how much they think they know about the game. They do it because they don't want their kid to fail, but they also do it so when they do fail you don't look at them and think their kid sucks because of their lack of trying as a parent. Dealing with these insecure and boundary stepping parents is every coach's nightmare.

As a coach you see and deal with the insecure coach all of the time too. This is the coach that is constantly talking to their kid's from the coaching box between pitches or from the dugout after every single pitch. These are the coaches who are demonstrating the proper way to do things for all to see, so when and if their kids fail we can't possibly blame the coach. You wonder how these kids can do anything with all of the instructions running through their head. Then when they do get a hit, those coaches or parents are the first and loudest to cheer and give them a congratulatory, "I told you..." type speech, when really all they're doing is congratulating themselves on their stellar coaching or instruction. I cannot stand coaching against the insecure coach, but I never go to their level. I once coached basketball with a guy who saved his best "coaching" for when the gym was full of people. Man he "coach" and instruct kids in front of an audience. For the simplistic parents, they will marvel at how knowledgeable that coach is about the game or how positive they always are with the kids. Yet, the biggest reason they probably say those things is because they most likely never cover them in practice.

I am very fortunate to not have to deal with insecure parents on my current baseball team, but they are everywhere. It all comes from a good place, but we have to learn to let our kids fail and trust that we are not being judged for their failures. We are not at school looking over their shoulders to correct them when they make a mistake on a math problem. We trust their teachers to do their job, and the best teachers encourage failure and a growth mindset with their students. We don't walk the hallways with our kids and ensure that every social interaction is a positive one. As parents we have to trust that we have raised our kids the best way we know how, and then it's up to our kids to live out those morals and educational values on their own. So why then do so many parents refuse to let their kids experience failure on the athletic fields and learn from their coaches?

A lot of it comes down to those parents' own personal insecurities. Yes, it is extremely difficult to sit back and watch your kid make an out when you see that their hands are not in a great position or they're not transferring their weight when the swing. However, how will they ever learn to do those things on their own if they don't experience failure without you constantly reminding them? Are you going to yell out instructions to them while they are playing in a high school game? Doubtful! Kids are like us, they don't like failure, and if you let them do it enough on their own they will be more receptive to listening to suggestions from you or their coach.

On the other side of the issue are the parents who constantly pamper their kids. Again, I am blessed to not have to deal with this. Most likely because I set a tone and expectation with my kids and parents that during the games the kids are to be left alone. It shouldn't be too hard to entrust another adult with your child for 1-2 hours, and expect them to monitor their physical and emotional well being. Outside of a considerable injury, I truly don't understand why a parent would ever need to come to a bench or a dugout during a game.

Hear me out on this. As a parent we all want our kids to grow up and become more responsible and independent right? We preach that every day when they go off to school or the night before when they're doing their homework. We beg for them to plan ahead and get better with time management. However, on the athletic field so many parents throw all of those principals out the window to make sure that their little baby has everything they could possibly need to do their absolute very best. (Said in a mocking baby-voice like tone)

Let's go through a couple of scenarios here. Your kid has one game in late April. The temperature is in the low 50's. As a parent you should provide you kid with a long sleeve shirt and a drink. If they want to wear the shirt that is entirely their decision. One drink will most likely keep them hydrated, but if you want to be sure then give them two. Yet, too many times I see parents snooping around the dugout asking if their little boy or girl is warm enough or has enough to drink.

On the flip side, it's mid-July and the sun is blazing. Yeah we as coaches know it's hot. We are constantly reminding the kids to drink up and sip, sip, sip. If you as a parent or player can't rationalize to put on sunscreen before the game and have extra drinks, then what kind of responsibility are we teaching our kids. Do you show up at school each day to make sure that the cafeteria meal meets your child's approval? Do you bring them an extra drink to class because you're worried their not go to the drinking fountain enough? Chances are no, you trust that the teachers are monitoring these things, or more importantly that your kids are planning and adjusting accordingly to things. Even if my kids tell me they don't want something before I game I make them take it, because once that game starts they are on their own to live with the consequences of their decisions. It usually only takes one experience where your child is not dressed properly or doesn't have enough to drink for them to plan ahead. My own son once forgot to bring his cleats to an out of town tournament. He did not realize this until we arrive to the ballpark. For two days he had to play in tennis shoes because I refused to buy him new cleats. Not surprisingly, every time we have left for a game ever since he has double checked to make sure his cleats are in the car. I'd rather my kids learn that lesson at 9 than when they're 19 and the stakes are a lot higher in life.

The other thing that drives me bonkers as a parent or coach, is when I see parent come to the dugout between innings to discuss a mistake their child made in the field, or to see "how they're doing." Yes, your kid knows the f'ed up, the coaches know they f'ed up, and their teammates know they f'ed up. Do you really think your child wants to hear from you how and why the f'ed up? Trust that your kid already knows what they did wrong or that the coach has instructed them. If you don't feel that's the case, then wait until later when everyone is in a less emotional state. The same thing when a kid gets pulled from pitching. Almost never will you see a pitcher removed from a game after something has gone right and they are feeling positive. Usually a kid gets pulled after they have given up a couple hits or walks, or a combination of the two. That is not the time for mommy or daddy to come and try to play counselor. It doesn't happen at school when they get a poor grade on a quiz. We don't rush to their side to offer encouragement or to tell them what they did wrong on the assignment, so why do parents do it during athletic contests? As a coach I see that as a sign of weakness in both the player and the parent. I've pulled my own kid plenty of times while he is in tears, but I can't sit in the dugout and tell him how special and great I think he is while the rest of the team plays on, so neither should you when it's your kid. Just like your kid shouldn't be looking at you in the stands when things go wrong out on the field.

So I didn't sit down to write this with the intent of bashing parents, but maybe in recesses of my brain I needed to get this off my chest. I am guilty of the same insecurities that as the rest of you. I want to yell out to my kids to watch for the curveball when they're down 1-2 in the count, but they need to start thinking that on their own. I want them to automatically position and adjust themselves in the field based off of the pitcher on the mound and the swings they see, and if they don't I want to yell it out to them. Yet, that's what the coaches are for. If the coaches are doing their job, it's not always because they're stupid. Remember, they're watching and thinking about a whole lot more than your child. The true growth and understanding is when you can have those conversations with your kids in private and see them grow from it the next time they're on the field. I promise you the coaches will appreciate you and your kid a whole heck of a lot more. We may not get to see and understand the depth of your knowledge and expertise, but it will shine through in your kids. And if you feel like you need to check on your kid every 15 minutes, just think how you would feel if they were checking on you every 15 minutes when you're doing something you enjoy.