Just Watch Your Kid, Don't Coach From the Stands
The title says it all, so why do I feel the need to belabor the point? Well the reason is that it is so much easier said than done. As a coach, it is all I ask for from my parents, but as a parent and a coach it is totally different when I'm on the other side of the fence. However, nothing good comes from coaching your kids from the stands.
When I am coaching either baseball or basketball my attention is focused singularly on my team and on the game. Over the past 12 years I really can't think of many times where I have mailed it in or been indifferent to the outcome of the game. It doesn't mean I haven't had bad games, because I have had plenty of those. The worst feeling as a coach is when you know you're chasing the game mentally. You catch yourself making mistakes or being slow to adjust. Halfway through the game you know you're having a bad game, and like a player you start to press a little bit. It doesn't mean you're not trying, but it sometimes happens.
All of that said, I am always doing my best to watch everything that concerns my team. I am trying to make sure that everyone is positioned properly, I am calling pitches, looking at the other teams lineup, thinking about player/position rotations, pitch counts, who is next on the mound, do I want to steal a base here, and the list goes on. In basketball you're thinking about match-ups, player rotations, taking away the other team's sets and offensive patterns, which one of your set plays would work against the way they are guarding you, should we press to change the tempo of the game, should we pull off the press, does somebody look tired, defending out of bounds plays, and all while the game is in continuous motion.
The purpose of listing all of these things is to let you know that I'M NOT STARING AT YOUR KID'S EVERY MOVEMENT. As a parent we get locked into our own child, because...well deep down that is who we care about the most. There is nothing wrong with that. I do it when I'm watching my kids play. Yeah I want the team to win, because ultimately that will make my kids happier, but I want my kids to have individual success and do things right in the process. However, when I am coaching I don't care about your kid or my kid, I care about the team. My job is to try and do what I think is best for the entire team in the moment and in the long run. I am going to miss things, a lot of things. Coaches rely on assistants and delegate responsibilities, but they are going to miss things too because they're more concerned about the team than your kid as well.
Is it frustrating to sit in the stands and watch your kid do something technique wise at the plate that you can see is inhibiting their ability? Is it frustrating to see your son not shading to the pull side defensively against a kid who has already pulled the ball twice? Is it frustrating to see your kid not be in a ready position every pitch? Is it frustrating to watch your kid not recognize that the other team is trapping every first pass or switching every screen yet they keep turning the ball over? Is it disappointing that the coach does not see the obvious mechanical flaw in their delivery? The answer to every one of those questions is a resounding yes. While we can't reasonably expect perfection from our kids, we want them to do the little things right all the time. There are certain things that we think the coach should see, but others we already know that they should just think and do automatically or instinctively by now. It takes everything we have not to yell out to them, and sometimes we can't fight our urges.
Now let me tell you why I'm not perfect before I continue. This past summer my son who I normally coach was playing in an All-Star tournament. I could not wait to just sit back and just watch and relax...so I thought. In fact, the whole reason we went to this event was so I could truly watch him play, since I don't get to that when coaching. After the first couple of games I noticed that he was playing way too deep in the outfield. On the way back to our hotel I told him to play more shallow the next day. I made sure to remind him the next day on the way back to the park, so naturally the first ball hit his way falls in front of him. I finally couldn't resist the urge to subtly motion him to come in 5 steps. Not 15 seconds after doing this, one of his coaches tells him to move back 5 steps. I had just done the one thing that I hated when parents do more than anything. I put my son into direct conflict with his coach and his instructions. Thankfully my son gave me his million dollar smile and moved back to where the coach wanted him. While I couldn't figure out the coach's strategy or logic, I was more upset with myself for putting my son in that position.
One thing we all have to recognize is that we all have our own personal philosophies and beliefs. It is what makes us unique as human beings. Our philosophies are what cause us to gravitate towards the people we have as friends and have conflict with those we are forced to be around that have philosophies that conflict with our own. It is rather rare in sports to share the exact same philosophy or view on things as the person coaching your kid. Whether it is how to run a practice, how and when to get on the kids, emphasizing technique over performance, playing time, scheduling, positioning, offensive sets, defensive philosophies, or matchups, you will rarely always agree with the coach. However, you are only doing a dis-service to your kid when you try to take away the coach's authority or trump his philosophy by yelling from the stands.
Coaches are human and so are your kids. I've never met a coach who was trying to lose a game, despite what some parents might think. Yelling from the stands often will result in one of three things: A) You'll put your kid in conflict with their coach or B) You'll put yourself in conflict with the coach. C) You'll point out your own kid's flaws to everyone? Do any one those sound like a winning situation?
Most kids understand that during games and practices, they are to do what their coach or coaches instruct them to do. That is a sign that you're raising them the right way. If you tell them to do something that is conflicting with what the coach may or may not have said, you're putting them in a no win situation. You're making them question who they should listen to. In the eyes and mind of the kid, they have to figure out who is more important to listen to. Listen to dad and possibly be punished by the coach or listen to coach and get an earful from dad for hours following the game?
Yelling from the stands can also put yourself in direct conflict with the coach. The only person who wins there are the other parents who get the free entertainment provided. Yelling instructions to your kid can also make a novice coach feel like they need to over-coach and give even more incorrect or sub-par coaching tips. Yelling instructions to your kid with an experienced coach can lead to you looking like a chump when they take it out on your kid.
This last scenario I consider to be the worst. If you have to yell from the stands to constantly remind your kid where to position their hands during an at-bat, an adjustment to make on the mound, an approach to a ball in the field, etc., what you have successfully done is point out your kid's flaw to everyone within earshot. You may be trying to help your kid or show off your own personal knowledge, but now the casual fan or person who wasn't paying attention is now observant to what your kid is or is not doing. You are subtly eroding your kids confidence in themselves and their trust in their own abilities and competency of their coaches. If you're kid is 12-13 years old and you consider them a good ballplayer, why do you still need to yell and/or remind your kid to do those things anyways?
We all know there are a lot of bad coaches out there, myself included in a number of instances. As a parent we can clearly see when something is wrong or needs to change. It is seemingly such an easy fix. How the hell can the coach not see this? After all, they're supposed to be the one in charge that is the expert or most qualified to lead the team to victory. How do they not notice your kid doing all of these things that are driving you crazy from the stands?
Well the next time you start feeling this way I suggest you go and coach or run a practice. Until you've done it, you probably don't realize all the things that a coach has to manage all at once. Even in a seemingly slow sport like baseball, things are happening in your mind between every pitch. When coaching basketball you can feel like a deer in headlights the first couple of times you coach at a different level.
As a coach, I apologize for not watching just your kid every second. I'm not coaching just your kid. I'm not concerned or focused on your kid's feelings or well-being over that of the team. As a coach I am doing what I think is best for everyone, to the best of my ability, to make your kid and the team successful in the moment and the long=term. If you want your kid to become an even better player, encourage them to think through and recognize situations on their own, and position themselves and others correctly without the help of a coach. Yelling at your kid may draw attention to one of mine or the coach's flaws, but it draws even more attention to your kid's flaws.
