The Lost Art of Commitment

Commitment. It appears to be a simple 10 letter, 3 syllable word, but it is much more than that. For athletes, commitment is what can separate them from others with similar stature and ability. For coaches, it can mean the difference between winning or losing a game against an opponent of similar talent. For parents, commitment can mean the world in terms of how you shape your kids ability to handle situations for the rest of their life.

Every kid is different when it comes to life and sports. I don't need to look any further than my own children. Two of my kids will see any task through to the end regardless of the circumstances, while another gets easily frustrated. One of my kids will work his hardest to get everything he can out of his abilities, while the other two are reluctant and sometimes defiant towards pushing themselves or working outside of organized team practices. As their father, it is disappointing to see them not want to push themselves or work harder to improve upon their natural abilities that have made them decent athletes. As a person who frequently coaches them in sports, it is downright irritating and maddening to see them not take advantage of having somebody in their own home who has the knowledge and access to resources to make them better. Yet, in our modern society, the biggest area of concern I have with regarding commitment is from the parents in youth sports.

As a teacher, a parent, or as a coach, when I make a commitment to someone or something, they are going to get everything I have for as long as I can sustain it. Over the years I hope my students have come to know and view me as somebody who is willing to do anything to help them succeed, whether that means coming in early or staying late. That commitment goes beyond the time you are my student in my classroom. Despite my crazy personal and social schedule, I make sure to never miss any of my kids events if possible. As a coach, I am constantly working, researching, and preparing; I expect no less from my own kids. When you make a commitment, you honor that commitment to the end, no exceptions. There will likely be times when you don't want to do something or question why you signed up for this, but you don't use that as an excuse not to be there, more on that later. A commitment should be as solid as a rock, unwavering in good times and bad.

Yet, an increasing amount of coaches time is spent wondering if the kids and parents that committed to the team will continue to follow through on their commitment. In today's world of youth sports, there are countless teams in any sport and opportunities to play multiple sports, all with varying levels of commitment. I see and hear of it more and more each year where "kids" commit to a travel team for the upcoming season, only to switch teams weeks later because of the promise of more playing time or to play a preferred position. Some "kids" commit to a team, and then find out that the practice times and game schedule are too much for the family financial or social budget. Quickly these "kids" back out of commitments, often leaving the current team scrambling to adjust their roster, practice plan, and/or schedule. There are an increasing number of "kids" leaving teams because they simply don't like the coach. The coach isn't playing the "kid" enough or in the right positions. The coach is too hard on the "kid" and doesn't recognize their special talent or their discipline might be too excessive for something that doesn't seem like that big of a deal.

I choose to put "kids" in quotations, because the vast majority of the time these decisions are being made by the parents. Too frequently parents are the ones not honoring or modeling what commitment means to their kids. Parents are telling their kids that it is okay to miss a practice because they want to do something that is more socially appealing. They are showing their kids that they do not need to resolve issues with teammates or a coach head-on, leave that to mom or dad to do for you. Parents are demonstrating that is is acceptable to let your individual problems become bigger than the group, and it is justifiable to leave that group prior to the season or mid-season and leave them to recover and adjust because of your own personal issues.

Every year, at any school I've coached, at the beginning of a new basketball season we would gather our kids and talk to them about team expectations, rules, and commitment. We made it clear that these rules were not for everyone, but if you couldn't live up to them then you didn't have a place in the program. We wanted them to know what they had committed to. The same with my travel baseball team. I believe my very first words to the group of parents were, "You have made this commitment, your child hasn't. They just want to play baseball." Before the age of sixteen, parents are the ones who make these commitments to teams, and they should be the ones modeling and honoring that commitment to their kids. Kids just want to play. Yet it is usually adults who decide not to show up for practice because they don't to spend another two hours away from home, or because they don't see the need to be to the venue at the same time the coach does.

Now to be clear, I have no issue with a parent and their player deciding to part ways with a team after a season has concluded. Every parent has the right to find the best situation for their child and their family, and I have done this with my own kids. These kids are not professional athletes that are locked into contracts, but they are observers to what everything we model for them. In every case where our kid left a team, it was always after they had fulfilled every obligation to that team. It was after they made every practice, even if they didn't want to or we as parents didn't want to. As a coach, I often disagree with other coach's rules, practice environments, or philosophies, but I never share that with my kids. I don't back out of the commitment we made to the team and other families because I have a personal issue or my kids might have an issue. How can we expect our children to work hard, respect their coaches, and honor every commitment in sports or life when we don't do it ourselves?

Lots of parents, who appear to be adults, complain about the everybody gets a trophy complex we have going on in youth sports today. Well, is that much different than the 21% of millennials that switch jobs on a yearly basis? Modern kids and parents want to feel validated and special, and if they're not then they will go somewhere else where they are. Think about how many kids love one sports team for a year or two, and then they suddenly jump on the bandwagon of the next "dynasty in the making." Less than 50% of millennials admit to being certain they will work for the same company a year from now. This is the generation most heavily involved in youth sports at this time, so it's only natural that the number would be somewhat similar if parents were asked if their kid would play on the same sports team next year. I am not a millennial, so I feel myself fighting against this trend. If parents do not find things to their liking they are likely to look for another team. If the kid is losing his commitment, they will start to question things or seek out compliments and praise in an attempt to restore their commitment.

It is hard for kids growing up not to see this as normal in the world of sports. Free agents no longer give hometown discounts, instead they have teams pandering for their services and squeeze every last penny and accommodation they can out of them. Head coaches beg for multi-year extensions, but as soon as the next big job offer comes along they abandoned the kids who helped get them in that position. College basketball is filled with "one and done players." Head coaches are given less time than ever to produce results in sports. Given all of this, it is only natural for modern parents and kids to feel the same desire and need to find and receive immediate satisfaction and payoff when choosing a travel team or high school to play sports. If not, well then they will just switch to the next team or school. At some point in life every athlete has to deal with the fact that they are just not good enough. Just like at some point in life every adult has to deal with the fact that they might not like their job or get along with their boss.

So as a coach how do you fight against these trends and ideals? First, I try to have very frequent and honest conversations with parents who have questions about a youth team. I try to find a reason each week to compliment each kid and tell them specifically what they need to improve upon. Expectations for commitment, conduct, and scheduling are laid out well in advance of the season for both players and parents on youth teams. As a result, as the kids get older, the need to explain those to parents should become less and less. If a coach has modeled the expectations and demands of a commitment to their players, and the parents have modeled the expectations and not wavered when the emotional and physical demands become more challenging for their kids, then I believe the understanding of commitment becomes part of the child's nature.

I believe that sports are the best thing for a kid to do when they are growing up for so many reasons, but above all is the chance for them to learn about commitment. They need to learn that committing to one thing takes you away from others, and parents need to learn and respect that as well. They need to learn the difference between saying you want to do something versus committing to do it. Youth sports can teach your kid that quitting is not an option, and sticking with something that you wanted to quit can lead to far greater rewards than they ever anticipated.

Youth sports are the perfect opportunity to start teaching kids about time management and conflict resolution. They are the perfect opportunity to start showing kids about sacrifice, and how one decision can impact more than themselves. Youth sports can help kids see the value in pushing through adversity and challenging themselves. They can also produce friendships and memories that will surpass anything else in their lives.

The same goes for the parents as well. Youth sports provide an opportunity to meet and become friends with so many great people, but those friendships only come through commitment. Committing to a youth team can, and likely will, result in you shifting your social priorities, vacations, and friends. Remember, in youth sports, you're signing more than a check when you sign your kid up for a sport. Respect the coach who is giving up their time. Respect the other kids who rely on your son or daughter to round out the team. Respect the coach's rules and practice times, no matter how absurd you might find some of them. In the long run, you might find yourself become a more efficient parent and understanding person. However, if you as a parent don't model and teach your kids to honor and respect the word commitment, your kids will likely end up with a closet full of different jerseys and a lot of trouble pushing through adversity as an adult.