A Family Divided

For many families having a kid or kids that play a travel sport is an opportunity to take a number of mini-vacations throughout the year that you'll cherish and enjoy for the rest of your life. Not only is it a time where you kid gets to do what they love with some of their best friends, but it's also a chance for you to relax and watch them do this while spending quality time with your team family. Dinners, drinks, and time at the pool become part of the routine for kids and adults alike. Quite honestly, some of these travel events are what we mark on our calendars to help us get through the grind of the work week. It's comforting knowing that in less than 48 hours you'll be watching your kid play a mutually loved sport while later enjoying a few beverages with good friends. While these out of town tournaments are a joy for most, they can really become an emotional eclipse for others with multiple kids in travel sports, especially those who chose to coach.

This weekend my son and I are headed to a big tournament a couple of hours away. In fact, I get to pull him out of school early, which is every kid's dream, especially when it doesn't involve a doctor or dentist. We'll hit the open road with the windows down and our baseball playlist blaring in the speakers, which consists of all of my favorite songs that he's learned to tolerate. I'll get to know and understand him on a deeper level as we talk about his week at school and the concerns he's dealing with in his life. We will bond over what annoys us and wonder why some teachers or kids act the way that they do or by discussing what is going on in the world of Cardinal baseball. I will try to comprehend the infatuation with Fortnite and listen to him as he explains the roster he has assembled on his baseball video games. A father and son bonding over a baseball road trip is what life should be about, but the problem is that on all of these road trips something is missing, the rest of our family.

When a person decides to become a head coach they commit themselves to the team over everything else. It doesn't matter if their son is sick or hurt, the head coach is expected to make every practice and game, and put in the same amount of planning and effort as they would if their kid was there. However, one of the nice trade-offs is being able to set the schedule. The head coach can look at ideal times to go out of town based on family schedules or try to match it up as best they can with their other kids' sports schedules. Unfortunately, there usually aren't many weekends where those schedules line up. so the majority of the time you go one way while the rest of the family goes the other.

As the head coach it is nice knowing that once you set your schedule, your travel schedule is laid out. There are no questions about where you're going this weekend or that weekend or which child you're supporting that weekend. It is a given that you will be there for every second of warm-ups, game action, and post-game for one child, while likely missing all of those for your other children. It is part of the job and the expectation that you adopt a given number of other kids as your own. As a result, you get to watch somebody else's kids play 40 more games a summer than you do your own.

As a parent who may only have one child or may get to divide up time evenly, you get to see enough games to feel like you a part of that other team's parental unit. You get to know the other kids on the team and know if they are playing well or struggling. You get to form friendships with parents that go beyond the season. You also get to be there when your son or daughter has a big individual or team moment. You get to take the pictures or be in them. Plus, when you are there the other parents don't wonder who you and why you haven't been there in the past. You also get to put your arm around them when they have had a rough day. You can spot what they need to correct to have more success or what they're doing that's creating that success. When you only have one child or can divide up time evenly, you get to determine which child needs you there more for them at that moment. In essence, you get to be fair.

Coaching is selfish and self-less at the same time. If you have multiple kids and commit to coaching one, you are essentially surrendering your ability to be there for your other kids when they may want or need you there. Yet at the same time you are promising to the other kids on your team that no matter what I will always be there for you, and not just during games or practices, but when life happens too. You are committing yourself to giving your team all of your concentration and attention, while one of your other biological kids is playing somewhere else.

Going out of town for a tournament is a chance to get away from the grind. After out of town games a number of parents begin discussing where they are going to go afterwards or what time they want to meet in the hotel lobby. Sometimes these decisions are made during the game while you were coaching. As most parents are casually walking to the parking lot, a head coach is probably scrolling through all of the text messages and other alerts they've gotten on their phone over the course of the past two hours. Somewhere in those alerts are updates on how your other kids are doing. While other parents are asking about what you're doing for dinner, you're trying to get Game Changer to come up so you can try to follow along and keep up with the other part of your family that isn't with you. While the majority of parents you're drinking beers with are focused on one team and your strategy for the next day, you're focused on all of your kid's teams and wondering how they're doing or going to do without you there.

As a coach you are detail oriented; it's how our brains work and what drove us to step onto the other side of the fence. Therefore, for most coaches when your wife texts you that your son went 2-4 that is only the beginning of a trail of twenty text messages that likely still will not satisfy your desire to know exactly what happened. Were they line drives? Did he pull the ball or hit it where it was pitch? Were they ahead in the count or did they hit a pitcher's pitch? What about the outs? Did they hit it hard? Did they leave runners on base? These are things we MUST know to prepare us for when we actually talk to our kid. Plus, how did the team do? Who played well for the team? Who struggled? All of this while you're trying to process your own game and deal with messages from parents about your own game or upcoming social plans. The coach's wife gets pretty good at understanding this process and knows when it's easiest to communicate through text or just give up and call.

Just when you think you've got all of the information you need and sit around with a group of parents who are focused solely on your team's performance that day and the upcoming one, your phone will ring. On the other end is part of the family unit that is not with you and is rarely sharing the same emotions as your are in that moment. You could be coming off a rough day where your team did not play very well, but on the other end is your son or daughter that is dying to tell you about how well they did. In that moment you wish that you could trade places with your spouse and be there with them to relish their success. Conversely, you might have had a great day with your team, or the child that you coach might have done something amazing, but on the other end is a kid who just needs to talk to dad for a few moments to be reminded that everything is alright. Your heart breaks that you cannot physically be there for them. You can hear the disappointment in their voice when they ask if you'll be back for any of their games the next day and you tell them, "no."

The spouse of a coach who is out of town also takes on a big burden. No longer are there two people around to take care of getting kids ready and out the door for games. Pets are nearly an after-thought for coaches who are out of town. You can sense in everyone's voice and emotions that they wish you could be there, but the understanding that they know you cannot. Even the siblings want to share their stories and experiences with someone, but the only person who is there is the guy that was there for every warm-up, game, and post-game moment that took place that day anyways.

Coaching a travel team that goes out of town when you have multiple kids can also lead to an interesting family dynamic if you are not careful. Kids can become jealous and wonder why you are there for all of one kid's games, but rarely for theirs. They might feel that you love or favor the one kid more than them. However, the one kid who is always being coached by his dad doesn't have a cheering section like the other kids do because their family is attending their siblings games and as a head coach you can't really cheer your own kid. It's tough when your son looks at you and says I wish mom could have seen me do that, but I know it goes the same way for my other kids. Plus, the kid who gets coached by dad also gets ridden harder than the others do because being a coach's son is no treat. Often times you're the release for whatever might be frustrating the coach. The kids who get left at home or sent somewhere else with mom assume that you're having the time of your life in a hotel without them, but what they don't understand is that while your laying in that hotel bed late at night you'd rather be in your own bed down the hall from them or have your entire family cramped into that room with you. The kid who is with you is loving the one on one time, but part of them is feeling like they need a break from being the coach's son.

For the son or daughter of the the travel ball coach their can be no escape on the those weekends where you are alone. You're riding their butt to get ready in the morning, you're the main voice they hear during the games, you're reminding them about minding their manners when you're out to eat or when they go to the hotel pool with the team. I try not to talk about the game on the ride to the park with my son and limit myself to a few minutes on the ride back to the hotel so they at least get a break from constantly being the "only child" and the coach's son. Through other parents and coaches, the out of town kid can sometimes have no escape from the team and talk of the team. If you are not careful, your son or daughter can catch wind or become involved in things you do not want them to even know about. Your son or daughter may simply want to hang out with you and enjoy some one and one time and get caught up in a conversation from another parent about something you did not intend for them to hear. Because they can't go to the car with mom, you might have to ask your son or daughter to go stand by themselves for a few minutes while you have an adult conversation and they're left to entertain themselves. Then when you get back to them you have to convince them that what you were talking about wasn't that important. Also, there is no buffer for them when the team might have had a disappointing weekend, so it is important to try and not take out your team frustrations on your one kid who is with you and just wants to be treated like everyone else on the team.

Now I'm not writing this because I want anybody to feel bad for me, my kids, or anybody else who coaches or has more than one kid involved in travel sports. All the times I've thought about giving it up so I can be free to watch each of my 3 kids play whenever I chose, I'm reminded by my wife of why I'm doing the right thing for ALL of our kids by coaching just one. Coaching one of my kids teams has given me memories and friendships that I will enjoy the rest of my life. My son and I have grown closer through our many weekends of travel alone. Our time together has helped give me insight into helping with other problems in his life when we're back at home that my wife might not be as clued in on as I am.

These out of town coaching adventures where a family is divided can ultimately bring a family even closer. With the constant busy schedules we endure, it is rare anymore where we all sit down together and eat a dinner and catch up on things as a family. However, those Sunday nights when we return home for being away everybody seems to want to share their weekend with the entire family. It is so nice and comforting to have those Sunday night moments when the family is reunited. Those games or weekends where you get to sit in the stands and support your other children become the best weekends of the summer as a coach. Your kids that you do not coach are so excited that you actually get to watch them play. Out of habit they still ask if you saw this or that during the game and recap everything that happened. Part of me feels horrible that it is in their nature to do that when I have been sitting there the entire time, but it also makes me feel good that they want my input on things even when I am there. And of course we saw that, because as a coach we see and notice EVERYTHING.

So as I get ready to pack my bags and head out of town with one of my kids as my lone co-pilot this weekend, I hope that everyone who reads this understands the commitment and sacrifice a head coach is really making for their team. My one son has already asked if he can do his favorite things that we do when it's just the two of us, while my other two kids have already told me that they'll miss us and wish I could be at their games. It is a little bittersweet though that they know this drill and don't complain like they used too in the past.

Despite the constant buzzing in my pocket during games, the only reason I will check my phone is to see what time it is for game and strategy purposes, but understand that before you complain about a coach checking their phone that they might simply be checking in on one of their kids. Between innings I'll often wonder how my other kids are performing. A kind team parent will give me an occasional update from my wife if she wants me to really know something but doesn't want to bother me during the game. Meanwhile this has only made me wish I could be there more or get the full story right away. So please understand that I love coaching, anybody who does it at the youth level does and loves all of their players. But also understand that coaching is never easy, and when you're hours away from your other kids it's even more difficult.