"We" not "I"

Last year I wrote a blog about how there is a big difference between being an assistant versus a head coach. I emphasized all the differences that one little word can make. Well recently I have been thinking about words that I hear coaches use all the time that I believe make a big difference and say a lot about the culture of the team. They're not big words, but I believe there is a huge difference between using the word "I" and "we" when addressing a kid or giving instruction and encouragement.

As coaches we are always asking our players to do things or offering encouragement. So many times during those subtle moments or exchanges I hear the coach say "I need you to put the ball in play" or "I can't have you get picked off" or "I need you to throw strikes." It could be anything across any sport, but it just irks me when I hear a coach use "I." To me that implies that the only person that coach really cares about is himself.

Maybe this insane fixation on the word "I," and what I think it implies, goes back to my coaching mentor. When I first got into coaching basketball I was given a list of rules and expectations so long that I thought my head was going to explode. How the heck was I going to be able to do and teach all of these things in a couple of months? I mean, I know it was his program, but it was going to be my face that everybody saw associated with this team, and I didn't agree with everything that was being asked of me. At the end of this long and exhausting meeting my mentor said something that has stuck with me over the past 13 years. He looked at me very plainly and said that no matter what we do not use the word "I" when referring to anyone or anything in this program. This program and these players were OUR players. Anything we as coaches or players were asked to do was because WE needed to do it for OUR program.

For the first couple of years I literally thought I would be fired if I used the word "I" in a meeting or a practice. Yet, slowly over time I began to see the difference it started to have on the message being delivered and the program we were building. When kids would ask why they had to do something in practice or couldn't do something that they desired, saying because "we" teach things this way or because "we" want you to be able to do this started to defuse disputes before they even began. Even more importantly, the kids themselves would start to use the word "we" and "our" to each other. They would tell teammates to pick up trash or not get crazy on the bus because WE do not do those things. Make sure to dress and act and certain way because you represent OUR program. Those first kids that started off with us as seventh graders won a District title as seniors, and they still use "we" and "our" when they talk about their basketball days and the program six years after they have graduated.

When I started coaching baseball I didn't know exactly what I was doing, but I knew that I wanted this to be the culture of our team. I'm not sure how successful I've been in that aspect, but I know that to this day I am still very careful with the words I use from the coaches box or dugout area. Kids on my team are never asked to do something because it would benefit me or themselves, but because it would benefit the team.

From an in-game perspective, when offering in game instruction and encouragement to a player using the word "we" carries an extra sense of weight and commitment with it. When a coach says, "I really need you to put the ball in play and get this runner in," that makes it sound like he wants you to do it just for him. That isn't what they mean, but it's human nature to associate the word "I" with the person saying it. If that player doesn't necessarily love or respect you, then where is their deep commitment to do what is asked? However, if you tell a player, "we really need you to put the ball in play and get this runner in," that more directly that implies how important this situation is to the team and everyone involved.

The goal is not to add weight or pressure to a situation, but to get your players to understand that their actions go beyond just them or a coach. At the youth levels, a player's reflection on their performance can be very self-centered. The kids who score the most points get their names announced at school,so why care about assists? 0-2 doesn't look sexy in the box score or the stats, but it doesn't tell the story. Parents and others may not appreciate that you told your player to distribute the ball more for the benefit of the team, or that the kid who went 0-2 moved a runner to third with less than two outs and laid down a sacrifice bunt that helped lead to two runs in a 6-4 victory. If you're a coach who always uses the term "I", it can be hard for kids to not want to know their stats at the end of the day or focus just on the individual instead of team success.

After all, how much time do coaches spend on emphasizing teamwork, team culture, and not being selfish? Having been around awhile, I know that a good amount of the conversations that take place on a coaching staff have to deal with that player or group that isn't buying into the team or that is not good for the culture. Heck, a lot of teams and schools go so far as to buy team shirts emphasizing teamwork and the "All for One" mentality. A lot of money could be saved if coaches didn't worry about shirts as much as words.

So if you're a coach, check your language that you and your assistants use. It's easy to say "I" when you're speaking as a head coach, because ultimately things start and end with you during the games, but their are so many long term benefits to using the word "we." Help build and infuse that culture you work so hard to impart on your kids that the team is more important than the individual. While it is great when I can celebrate a win, it's a lot more fun when WE can celebrate together. Even better is when a kid comes back years later and talks about all of the great memories that we had together, instead of the memories that "I/They" had.