You are the reason why...
I never really wanted to be a coach. In fact, I made it 28 years without coaching, unless you count some volunteering I did for a YMCA while in college. I wasn't a great athlete and felt like I didn't have much to offer in terms of being a high level coach. I always believed that if you're not qualified to do something, then you should just leave it up to the people who are. However, as I went along in my teaching career people started to encourage me to get involved with coaching for the school. Through their encouragement, I started coaching basketball at the middle school and high school levels and fell in love with it.
Being in the gym and working with kids on a game I loved was as good as it got in my eyes. I loved being able to extend my relationship with a number of my students beyond the classroom. It was also great getting to become part of a fraternity that few people really get to be a part of through a school or organized sport. However, as the practices, games, and seasons rolled on, and I became involved with coaching my own kids' baseball teams over the years, I learned that there is so much more to being a coach than just teaching them the game.
By nature, I am a very quiet and observant person. I do not initiate conversation with people I don't know. I don't give long, emotional speeches as I feel like they don't impact the game or a player's performance. I am not a fan of "team-bonding" events as I believe those moments happen organically over the course of time, not because an adult organized an event and made kids hang out together. I keep my walls up with people for a long time; and as a coach, if a kid or a parent complains about work, fairness, or playing time I tend to put them up even more. I was raised in a family that you got what you worked for and deserved, and if you didn't like it then you needed to work harder or move on. I am not the type of coach to take things so seriously that I am going to lose my mind on a kid or an official, but I take them so seriously that I doubt any kid who ever played for me would say I was "fun" to be around. I will always listen to people, but rarely will I ever ask if someone is okay. I put up a tough emotional front, but my emotions are often an eyelash below the surface and fester well beyond the time of my interaction with anyone. When I make decisions, it has been thought about well in advance, and every angle has been thought over multiple times. I don't jump up and down and hug my players, but if they need a hug I'll be the first one there for them if needed. I am more sentimental than I'd ever lead on and than anyone I know. I care more about the life lessons and big picture focus that results from any event than I do the immediate outcome. I feel sorry for people when they have genuine problems and give my heart to them, but if they're upset because their feelings are hurt I have a heart of stone. If I call you a friend that is a REALLY big deal, and if you betray that friendship it is an even bigger deal because of the time it took me to allow myself to let my guard down around you. I lead by example, both in life and as a coach as I've always felt actions reveal a person's character, words don't mean much without action. I hate being the center of attention. I don't believe in excuses. If you lose or miss out on something, then you should examine yourself first before blaming others. All of these, and the many other levels of my personality, can make any kid or parent uncomfortable around me.
The reason I bring all of this up is that as I've gained more experience in coaching and in life, I have realized that there is no right personality for coaching. I have seen so many great coaches that I've watched, and I know I don't have the personality to ever coach or interact with their players the way that they do. I have also seen a number of coaches that I am thankful my kids have never been exposed to. But as the years have gone on in my coaching career and in my own kids' athletic careers, I have steadily learned that no matter what kind of personality you have as a coach, to almost every one of your players you are going to be the reason why.
We live in a world where no matter what happens, we automatically want to blame someone or something for the cause. Kids are rarely told the truth by their parents anymore in the world of sports. Instead, there are so many options now that kids and parents can simply switch teams or schools if they don't like the coach or current situation. Kids don't necessarily have to work through their issues or come to the realization that the biggest problem might be that other kids are better.
Now before I am written off as being a callous jerk, I am all for younger kids and parents finding the best possible situation when it comes to youth sports. There ARE so many options out there that you don't always know the first time you get involved in something if you made the right decision. At the younger ages you're looking for a coach and program that becomes the reason why your son or daughter strengthens their love and understanding of the sport.
As coaches, the younger the kids you work with, you tend to hear a lot of positive reasons about yourself from parents and families. Young parents are quick to compliment that you are the reason why their son or daughter got so much better at this or that. You are the reason why so many people want to join this team or organization. You are the reason why we were so much better or more organized than other teams. Families will tell you that you are the reason why this was the best or better than other things they have experienced in the past. You are the reason why their son or daughter found the sport so much fun and enjoyable. You are the reason why they went home and practiced or watched a game on TV. If you're not careful as a good coach of young kids, you might thing you're the reason why other coaches should be just like you.
However, as most coaches will attest; the older the kids get, you're still the reason why, but not so much for the positive reasons anymore. As parents we can fall victim to our own personal desires and/or the desire to calm the emotions of our children. When our kids are younger, we envision them playing high school sports and sitting in the stands with the other parents. Other parents are so complimentary of the other kids' abilities too when they are younger. There is a competitive edge, but not like when they get to the middle school and high school years.
At the younger ages everyone still plays, and they all play about the same amount. The coach doesn't really have to hurt anybody's feelings at that point. The tougher decisions are on the parents who must decide if their son or daughter should remain on a team where they are one of the weaker players and might not be having as much fun. But as the kids get older, the options for teams or places with equal playing time dry up, and now families are faced with adversity and reality for the first time. Maybe my kid isn't good enough, but rarely is that the primary answer or reason. Initially in most cases, the coach is the reason why someone's son or daughter doesn't love the sport as much anymore, isn't as good anymore, or isn't getting the playing time they deserve.
That is what makes coaching at the older levels so much more difficult and stressful. Everyone knows the stakes are higher. There is uncertainty for everyone as to how much longer the kids involved will even get to play. Some kids start having the opportunity to play on sports teams taken away in middle school, others in high school, the best get to go beyond high school. So many of those situations depend on what high school you're going to as well. Some of these coaches have known the players for years, others for days. Either way, the coaches are now labeled as the reason why.
My oldest son was cut from his high school baseball team last year. At the time it was the most difficult thing he or my wife and I ever had to deal with. I wanted to lash out or see him go somewhere else, just like most of society does today. I wanted to blame the coaches. They were the reason why he couldn't play the game he loved anymore. In today's world, it would have been easy for my son to transfer schools and continue playing baseball. People kept asking if that's what he was going to do. However, he chose to stay where he was. In the process, he and our family learned some really valuable lessons. We learned what is really important in life, and my son learned the difference between work and hard work.
At the end of the day, he wasn't good enough to play for that team. The coach made the decision, but he wasn't the reason why he didn't make the team. Other kids were better in the eyes of the coach. That's how life works, and it is important that we send that message to our kids because sports are such a short part of their life.
Coaches aren't trying to lose games. As the kids get older, the stakes get higher. There is more pressure and competition on the players and the coaches. Failure becomes more common as the kids get older. Coaches are in the spotlight more as the kids get older. Yet, those are the coaches that spend months and sometimes a few years with the kids in and around the sport. They get to know them on a deeper level and form relationships with mature young men and women that can last a lifetime. The youth and middle school levels are tougher for coaches to form that bond because of the maturity of the players or time constraints.
It all seems so intense in the moment, but as we step back and reflect on the coaches we had when we were younger, the ones who told us we weren't good enough probably did a lot more for us than the others. We learn through adversity. When I was younger my high school basketball coach was the reason I wasn't playing. In my eyes he was a clueless, asshole. In hindsight, I don't think many coaches put 5 foot 7 inch kids that weigh 130 pounds with limited athleticism on the court very often in one of the tougher conferences in the state. I blamed him for a lot of things at the time, but he wasn't the reason I hated basketball for a few years and lost confidence in myself. It was my own lack of size and ability.
Bringing this back to my own coaching, I am not the warm and fuzzy type. I know what it is like to be cut or benched. I know what it is like to be an afterthought for a coach. I know what it is like to endure a long season as a player with limited playing time. My heart goes out to those kids because I was one of them, but as a coach you have to be the bad guy. You have to be the reason they understand that they need to work harder or that other kids might be better than them. I went to a high school where the baseball team won a state championship while I was in school, the football team won their third consecutive state football championship, and the basketball team reached the Final Four of single class basketball. I know what it takes to be a player at that level, and more importantly I know what those players look like. Those coaches cut a lot of really good kids that could have played somewhere else, or had kids on their bench that could have played a bigger role at other schools. And I am sure that despite their success, they had kids and parents blaming them as the reason their son didn't love the game as much or was not getting a fair shake.
During my years in coaching I have literally been told that I am the reason why:
my son hates the game of basketball
my son has no confidence
my son doesn't want to play anymore
my son isn't doing as well as he has in the past
my son isn't having as much fun as he used to
my son doesn't think you believe in him
It's those comments that take me back to my own playing days when I felt the same way about my coach at the time. I know those comments are sincere. I also understand now that those comments are coming from parents who are hurting because their child is hurting. I don't think there is any coincidence that none of those kids went on to play varsity basketball. As a coach, I was the target where the blame and the frustration fell. One of the above parents didn't come thank me a few years later when their son was wrestling in the state finals or earned a track scholarship.
I am not saying that I didn't and don't deserve those kind of comments at times, but what I am saying is that when you coach you have to understand that you're going to be the reason why kids and parents feel such strong emotions. The compliments over the years FAR outweigh the tough moments, but nobody wants to hear about that. However, as a parent you have to know that this is the toughest part of what we do at the older levels. Coaches don't find any joy in being the one to cut kids or to look in a pair of hopeful eyes only to tell them they are not going into the game.
The youth levels are the best. Talk to any coach and they'll tell you those are some of the best memories and moments they have. At the middle school or high school levels, parents and kids will always initially mark the coach as the bad guy and the reason their son or daughter isn't playing or enjoying the sport like they used to. Coaches understand that is part of the job. It's not always about wins and losses, but it a coaches job is to also prepare their players for what lies ahead. While most players and parents don't see it at the time, not too many good coaches are far off with their assessments.
Similarly, in the business world we may encounter assessments that we don't initially agree with. Are kids are eventually going to find themselves in our shoes, and more important than their playing time is how they handle adversity and things not going their way in life. One of my very first bosses told me that I was going to be a horrible salesperson because I was an arrogant young man that did not know when to keep his mouth shut. Then he proceeded to tell me that I was fired. In true arrogant fashion I told him he didn't have the authority to fire me, which he didn't. The next few weeks I stewed every time I saw him or his name was mentioned. He was one of the reasons I decided to leave that job, my first job after college, and I held a huge grudge against him for years. However, as time has gone on I've come to realize that he is a huge reason that I eventually decided to go back to school and get my teaching degree, which eventually led me into coaching. More importantly, I have worked very hard and tried to be very conscious to never come off as arrogant to anyone again and to keep my mouth shut and listen to people.
So the next time you're tempted to go off or make a quick decision about your son or daughter's team or organization next year because of the coach, think about if they are the reason why, and ask yourself if that reason why might turn into something they can learn from in the future.
