What Really Killed Your Confidence?

The last few years I've seen a couple of articles circulating the Internet written by college kids regarding coaches that they had that 'killed their confidence' or 'killed their love' for the game. As a coach I always read them, but when I saw the article resurface on a couple of friends Facebook pages again recently I had a hard time withholding my opinion. I have touched on this topic a few times, but maybe not in as direct a way as I want to with this specific blog.

I have been cut from teams and I have seen limited playing time with teams over the course of my life. I have been one of the best players on a team at times as well. I know what it is like to be in both roles. I have had coaches that I really respected because of how they interacted with the players and their knowledge of the game, and I have had coaches that I thought were complete jerks. As an adult and being a coach, I have seen and been around even more coaches that fall into these categories.

As a young person in the world, I think we typically look for someone to blame for our problems. If we don't get what we want or think we deserve, we tend to believe it is because of some personal grudge against us or special treatment for someone else. The world we live in as a teenager and young adult is very ego-centric. If we dare step out and try to look at things from an outside perspective, we usually compare ourselves to the people most like us and focus only on their flaws.

In sports, young athletes and parents tend to do the same. Kids clearly recognize who is physically better than them and the superior athlete. As they get older, those differences become more clear. However, as kids and parents get older, they don't always recognize the difference between apples and oranges. Suddenly a kid that has played a lot or had success growing up begins to struggle. They have still been practicing and working hard on their game or skills, but now the difference in results is widening.

Coaches see this and recognize this as well. Coaches have to make the gut-wrenching personal decisions of sitting or rarely playing kids that have high character, but lack the physical size or ability that other players on their team do. It's not fair. Some kids who barely work will just be better than the kids who work their butt off. Some kids will be able to throw a baseball harder and swing a bat faster thanks to genetics. Some kids will be quicker and able to jump higher on a basketball court thanks to genetics. It's not that we don't like you as a person or like your kid, but it's just how things go in sports. Even when you get to the NBA, NFL, and MLB, some guys sit the bench and never enter the game. In NBA box scores it will say next to a players name, Did Not Play - Coach's Decision.

So I guess those darn NBA coaches should be blasted for ruining an athletes confidence or love of the game, huh? How dare they not put players into the game or only play some guys small amounts of minutes? Now I know youth sports is not the NBA, but it works the same way. Each sport only allows a certain number of players to participate at a time, and they all have time limits. Yes it's not all about winning, but your top players want to win. They know if they played all or most of the game it would exponentially increase their team's chances of winning. They get frustrated with losing, as do most kids. So as a coach you have to make the tough decisions of keeping your top players and families happy while trying to play and develop everyone. It is not an easy task. I would argue that most of the youth coaches I have been around do a pretty good job of keeping that balance.

The other great thing about youth sports today are the sheer amount of teams out there. If you feel you're not being utilized properly or getting enough playing time, it is not that difficult to find a team or competition level suitable for your abilities. However, it is very important for the player and those parents to understand that switching to a different team or competition level won't erase the talent gap between where you are and where the top kids are, but it can do wonders for a kid's confidence.

So let me get more specifically to the issue at hand, confidence. I believe that confidence is so important in everything we do in life. Research has proven that the more confident a person is about something, the more likely they are to perform well. There is a huge correlation between how our brain makes us feel and how our body allows us to perform. It's probably why most of us believe we can actually sing and/or dance after we have had a few adult beverages. Sober brain does not have much confidence in our abilities, but drunken brain does not have those barriers up. Even though our ability might not have changed much, the chemicals in our brain are different which allows us to feel better about ourselves while were in the middle of our performance.

It works the same way with sports. If we feel confident in our abilities, we are likely to go out there and perform well. A 14 year old pitcher is likely to go and throw a ton of strikes against a team of 9 years olds, but they would likely throw more balls outside of the zone against 18 year olds because they would not feel confident and knew they would have to be nearly perfect with their execution. Same way on a basketball court.

I also do believe that coaches can influence a player's level of confidence. I have played for a coach that really made me doubt myself. He told me I wasn't a very good statistical shooter. Well, the only thing I could do on a basketball court better than anyone was shoot. Next thing I know all I can think about is if I miss a shot how it's going to affect my shooting percentage. Not very mentally tough on my part, but the coach did rattle my confidence in the one area I thought I could help the team. Truth be told, I just wasn't as good as some of the other kids. I could win every shooting drill in practice and was always picked first, but they were better and bigger basketball players. For a number of years I hated that coach, but as an adult I now see things the way anyone else would. Did he ruin my confidence and love for the game? Yep, sure did. However, what really ruined all of that is the fact that other kids were bigger, faster, strong, and that allowed them to execute better in games. After all, coaches and fans care more about the games.

I know as a coach I have hurt the confidence levels of kids who have played for me at times. I have pulled kids and not played them the rest of a game after committing a turnover in a close game or for taking an ill-advised shot. I have pulled kids after an at-bat or not given them an at-bat in games. It sucks! I have heard about it from parents how I have hurt their players confidence or how they don't want to play anymore because of me. I accept that. It's not my goal or intention. In fact, I would want them to know that I have given them equal opportunity in practices like all of the other kids. I have worked with them the same as any other kid to the best of my ability. And while I know that my limited in confidence in them during games only further hinders their performance, I would hope that over time it would not be the coach who is solely blamed for stealing your confidence or love of the game.

At practices, kids get an opportunity to go against their peers every day. They can see exactly where they stack up. This should not come as a surprise to them during games. They should be able to recognize when certain kids can do things better than them. They should work on their weaknesses as best they can, but they also need to understand that it is nearly impossible to overcome the God-given ability that some kids have.

The article written by this young lady talked about how the coach didn't adapt or utilize her strengths. The coach forced her into a role that she was not comfortable with and got on her every time she made a mistake. She had grown accustomed to playing a certain way, but now she was being asked to do something she had not had to do before. Each time she failed the coach became more upset and reminded her about her mistakes. I've been there too, in sports and in life. It is a horrible feeling. The idea that no matter what I do isn't going to be good enough for someone. You feel as if you're fighting yourself on a daily basis, so your anger becomes directed toward the source of that conflict. No matter how tough-minded you think you are, you walk into work or practice already feeling defeated. During games all you can think about is if you make a mistake or fail then the coach is going to sit me.

It's vicious spiral that's so difficult to get out of. However, the world doesn't change to fit your needs. Coaches may shift their philosophy, strategy, or scheduling based on their overall team's talent, but they don't do that to suit one player.

I feel bad for the kids that wrote those articles. I was one of those kids. Yet, I feel bad for them because I feel like they are still harboring those feelings. If we cannot recognize that sports prepare us for life's challenges and set us up for future success then we're missing the point. How long will those kids and their parents go along blaming someone else for their problems? Did the coach really kill their confidence and love for the sport, or did their abilities compared to their peers force their coaches to put them in roles they were not used to and happy with? What happens later in life when their boss does the same thing to them because they are not performing to the expected level for their position?

At the end of the day, I recognize that their are coaches, bosses, and people that have personalities that can cause us to lose our confidence and passion for things we once held dear in life. I understand that those people can have really adverse impacts on kids playing sports. But come at me every time and and every way, and I would argue that the best players can handle any type of coaching, outside of a verbally and/or physically abusive coach. It is very rare below the professional levels that an athlete leaves one coach or program and goes to another with a similar competition level and suddenly thrives. Of course the natural instinct is to still point back to how that past coach has ruined your confidence, but the real answer is likely starting that player in the mirror.

Coaches don't set out to be bad people and ruin lives, but many times youth coaches have to make the toughest and most impactful decisions of a young person's life. So please don't blame the coach for not properly utilizing you or destroying your confidence. Look in the mirror and see how many people with your skill set are thriving in your sport. Look at their role and where they are playing. I know this is extremely difficult for kids to do, but this is where parents have to see things and be realistic with their kids. Chances are the kid who is bigger, stronger, and has a better set of skills is the reason your confidence and love of the game is waning. Too many kids and parents expect the world to cater to them these days, and as a coach those articles really struck a nerve.